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In modern society we focus on our mind - what we know; our success - what we achieve; and our integrity - how we act. We compare ourselves to others, always looking at how I measure up. Healing reverses that thinking. Within the mind’s confines, hidden from outsiders, lie our doubts, fears, emotional pain, self-judgement, our secrets, and our secret desires. We fear if these were known we would be rejected, cast aside like some fallen celebrity: exposed - unworthy. Sometimes these hidden parts are called the shadow self, or your inner child. No matter the name, these hidden parts are the domain of healers. (Note: This article talks to the cause and effect, and the release of painful emotions and memories. Inner Child and Shadow work are more complex than discussed here. Seek qualified help and guidance.)
When you were an infant, all the focus was on you. Adults cared for you. They gave you food, clothing, life. If you were one of the more fortunate infants, they coddled you, showered you with love and affection, made you feel safe and truly the center of all existence. Because your brain was not yet fully formed, you understood the world through simple interactions. When you felt an empty pain in the stomach, you cried, and sweetness filled your mouth as the milk filled your belly. You felt the warmth of being held; you saw the colors around you, smelled the air, smelled the person feeding you. You sensed the love, or anger, or fear, or gentleness of that nurturing adult. Not only did it come through in her voice, it showed in her body and you reacted. By reflecting her mood back to her, you added to the feelings. While maybe too young to understand, you experienced your ability to influence the world. As you grew into the toddler years – oh those terrible twos, your still developing brain and emotions figured out they had influence which they saw as control. The time to make contrary decisions and test parental boundaries begins. When you don’t get what you want, you throw a tantrum. When you were an infant, crying brought the result you wanted. Now, crying brings a different result. Your parent(s) now need to retrain you. They may alternate between rewards, punishments, and threats. It is very confusing for you, the toddler. It is a trying time for parents who can react harshly not really understanding the harm they cause. Still, the words and actions have meaning teaching you beliefs – both true and false – about yourself. The alternating reward, punishment behavior teaches you to earn love or to earn praise. As you continue through childhood, you learn many lessons, intended or not. When Dad tells you to shut-up and sit quietly, he may mean he needs to focus on a task – say driving. What does the child hear? Maybe she hears – “You are not allowed to bother me”. She is just a child with a simple brain, immature emotions, and she believes everything she is told. Somewhere about age eight or nine, children begin to realize not everything they hear about themselves is true. Prior to that, it is always about me, it is always true. The negative things are accompanied by pain. Pain is a very powerful teacher. We learn to avoid pain setting the stage to believe the negative over the positive the rest of our lives Why? Humans seek to avoid pain more strongly than to receive pleasure. Some children dissociate emotionally and mentally to avoid pain. Carried into adulthood, the behavior may become escape through addictions.
I think the early teen years are hardest on both the child and the parent. The brain and body go through many changes. Physically, you become aware of your sexuality. Your body’s changes both delight and repulse. Girls develop at different rates furthering self-conscious embarrassment. Teasing by both boys and girls can cause her to be uncomfortable in her own skin. Changes in boys is no less impactful, especially as it affects height, musculature, and body hair. It is made worse when an adult is uncomfortable helping the teen adjust to through puberty. Along with body changes, the brain structures grow giving teenagers the beginning of adult thinking. Your new thinking creates more tension both internally and with adults. Your childhood experiences flow into the teen years. All the attention you received as a child is multiplied. Everyone is watching and everyone is judging. The teen you struggle to find your own identity. Your parents still see you as a child while you begin to see yourself as an adult capable of thinking and making decisions. Everyone knew who you were as a child, but now everyone – you as well - must figure out who you are as an adult. This in-between state continues for several years. Between the changing body, raging hormones, and growing thought capacity, you feel strong emotions. How well did you and your parents navigate these challenging years? How well did you handle the teasing, the embarrassment; how well did you adapt to the changes? Did you have good support giving you confidence? Or did you learn to keep things to yourself? Did you turn to your friends for answers they too struggled to find? The Shadow Self forms when we bury secrets pretending they don’t exist to avoid judgement. The Inner Child hides when she is criticized for what she enjoys. She stumbles under peer pressure, school pressures, new likes and dislikes, trying to fit in. All these and more cause the Inner Child to become shy. If I can just be small enough, no one will notice me.
We often neglect these Inner Child and Shadow Self aspects. Painful, unpleasant memories come up whenever we think of them. Those ugly feelings surface threatening to overwhelm. Yet they won’t stay suppressed forever. They show up in the things we do, say, and avoid. They show up as frustration in our career, disease, unhealthy habits, addictions, anger, anxiety – the list goes on. What is the right balance of feeling the strong, heavy emotions to process them rather than becoming overwhelmed and swallowed by them? Being swallowed up or overwhelmed happens when the emotions brought on by an event are internalized and relived repeatedly. It takes over full control. This type of internalization means the memory, beliefs, and painful emotions have become a part of your core self-identity. Though the hidden parts desire to be healed, the mind locks them away as protection from the pain they once caused. Internalizing happens when an unmet or unfulfilled need fuels feelings of being unworthy, unloved, lonely, powerless, unheard, or unseen. These then amplify the emotions triggering a downward spiral into anger, depression, guilt, anxiety… You may find your body reacting with diseases brought on by the stresses of keeping the emotions and pain from your conscious memory. The stresses are the experiences of an immature mind and an immature emotional heart. To heal the Inner Child and accept the Shadow Self, the emotions must be processed in a healthy manner. Healthy processing comes from sympathy, especially sympathy for yourself. Sympathetic processing allows you to view the emotions and events of your past as an observer. From this objective observer perspective you do not relive the event, rather you witness it as an adult with a fully mature mind and emotional make-up. A new perspective empowers you understand how, why, when you accepted false beliefs about yourself reinforced by painful emotions. It is now that you intervene on behalf of the younger you. As the adult, you have the voice she did not have. As the adult, you act in ways she could not act. As the adult, you take control where she could not. As the adult, you erase the story of your creation and write a new creation story. A story filled with love, acceptance, courage, confidence, compassion, and strength. You take back the joy lost filling yourself with peace, joy, and love. Your new story empowers you to live in the present free of the past pain. You begin to heal mentally and emotionally.
The Mind (mental) and Heart (emotional) healing are two key aspects of healthy processing. The Body (physical) and the Soul (spiritual) also need to heal. On the most basic level, physical healing allows the body to eliminate the toxins generated by the mental and emotional healing. Just like sweating cools your body from physical exertion, detoxifying cleanses your body. No one can predict exactly what symptoms you will feel as your body detoxifies. Common symptoms include fatigue, aches, sometimes nausea. You may find yourself going through mood swings from happy to angry to peaceful, from joyous to sad to calm, and the like. These generally go away in a few days. Drinking plenty of water, taking an Epsom salt bath, drinking detox teas, and being gentle, patient with yourself assist with speeding the detox and easing the symptoms. Inner Child and Shadow Self spiritual healing occurs during the dream state. You will likely experience unusual dreams. If you normally do not remember dreams, you may remember having a dream. Dreams of a spiritual nature will often include animals in unusual colors or doing strange things like a talking deer. You may experience visions of water, a sense of flying, or see signs/symbols, etc. These are all part of the spiritual detoxification. Spiritual detox generally lasts only a couple of nights. Signs and symbols may come during waking hours too. They may for a much longer time depending on your need for the reminders.
energy flows. These blocks and impediments were put there by your subconscious in a moment of emotional or physical overwhelm. It served to protect you. In most cases, once it is gone, it is gone for good. But, if your subconscious finds a need to put it back in place, it will put the protection back. The reappearance does not mean you failed, or the healer failed. To the contrary, it is a beacon pulling you toward full and permanent release. An underlying need has yet to be fulfilled. A harmful belief may still hold sway causing a reaction pattern or symptom to reappear. While frustrating and discouraging, it is a guidepost.
Most healers need to see you more than once. We must exercise caution to ensure your healing proceeds consistently and safely for you. It may be desirous to change everything at once but doing so before you have properly prepared will cause harm. A defining belief, no matter how much it seems to hurt or limit, is still providing a benefit. Until we understand that benefit, discover how to replace that beneficial effect in a safe way, we cannot remove it. On the flip side, no one healer has the wisdom to guide you on everything. If you are not making progress, you need to seek additional or alternate help. Most healers know the scope of their skills and practice. Most will encourage you to work with other healers or with a therapist or doctor to fill in the gaps. Only you can decide which healers to include on your team. Comments are closed.
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AuthorI am Ryan. Like you, I am on this journey of life. I never intended to be a healer, but I was the moth and energy the flame. Archives
October 2023
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