Happy New Year - 2023

You’ve already read and heard so much advice on how to make changes in your life. What resolutions to make; how to commit to doing them; reminders on how to keep them fresh. None of that will work. Not really. Why? Because most of the resolutions we make are founded in wishes rather than needs. . If you need something, you will work toward it. If you want something, you might work for it depending on how strong the desire is. Unfortunately, most resolutions focus on changing judgements. Judgements others make about us. Judgements we make about ourselves.

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​​This New Year, make a different choice. Look below the surface. ​What drives the habits you want to change? Keep digging until you find the unfulfilled need. Then you can honestly answer what you want. Understanding your real needs gives you the ability to make decisions and plans. Don’t underestimate the power of societal judgements to influence you. Why would so much time, effort, and money be spent on advertising if it didn’t work?  All these advertisements focus on convincing you that you are not the best version of yourself. The ads work by playing on your fer emotions or self-doubts. They tell us to fix the outside and life will be good. Still you know that putting a Ferrari body on a Ford, it is still a Ford under the hood. 

Make 2023 Different

Making resolutions you know deep inside are illusory ensures failure and may serve to further your belief that somehow you are flawed and broken.

You are not flawed. You are not broken. You have lost sight of yourself. You have been influenced and trained to receive approval from outside without truly understanding what you need and - the “and” is important - and how you want to fulfill that need. When you are hungry, you choose the foods you eat. We all know which foods are the least healthy. So why choose them? We choose them to help fulfill a hidden need. Not just the need for energy and sustenance, but emotional nurturing. We call them comfort foods for a reason.  Here’s the catch, the comfort is very short lived. Worse yet, over time the comfort diminishes, and we eat even more. 
 
We do that same type of behavior in other parts of our lives. How often do you say “No” to your boss or other colleague. Why don’t you? OK, on the surface the answer is simply “I need the income the job provides.” What’s below that? Why do you sacrifice yourself to solve someone else’s problem? It isn’t to keep your job. You do it to be liked or accepted or maybe to be praised. Most of us do these people pleasing things to be validated by an outside source. It feels good. It is a verbal comfort food to pacify our inner child. Like a pacifier, it quiets yet fails to nurture.

​When I was very young and I sought praise from a teacher for something I did without being asked. The teacher asked why I needed his approval. He told me it is enough that I know what I did. I could judge whether it was good or not. No one else can tell me what I already know. Somehow that simple wisdom helps me whenever I feel the need to receive outside validation. Remember others respond from what is happening on their inside.

​You are worthy. But that knowledge must come from inside. No one and nothing outside can convince of your worth, lovableness, or whether you are enough.  Those characteristics come from inside. If you do plan to make a resolution or two, make ones that allow you to self-validate, build your confidence, and create or enhance your self-trust. You deserve no less.

You know yourself better than anyone else. Be gentle and kind to yourself.